Characters/Pairing: Rose, Rose/Ten
Rating: Light R
Word count: 760
I’m standin at the window lookin out at the moon and the cars. It’s not a good window. There isn’t a ledge wide enough to lean on and the screen doesn’t open so ya 'ave to press your nose to it.
I 'eard a noise. That’s what brought me over 'ere in the first place. That beau'iful marvelous sound. I always thought there was nuffin in the world like it. That it wasn’t possible to mistake somethin else—
I feel like all I ‘ear nowadays is ringin. Every time I turn around there’s that whirrin roar like a tornado and a siren wrapped up together. And my ‘eart stops. Just for a second.
It’s like when Mickey’s Gran died and I kept seein ‘er. At shops. At the market. And I’d walk right up to 'er and—it wouldn’t be 'er. Cause she was dead. But just for a minute I’d think she wasn’t. Just for a minute.
Even knowin it’s a car alarm or the trolley. Even knowin—sometimes I think I should run. I should drop everything and run. Just as fast and as ‘ard as I can. Because, what if it’s 'im? What if just this once—what if this time 'e’s managed it?
And then I think that I’ve never wanted nuffin so bad as ‘im. That this isn’t 'ome and even the 'ome I 'ad before wasn’t nuffin like what I 'ad with 'im. I never even knew it. I knew it, but I didn’t. There were flashes and 'ints and moments. But 'ow can ya know what you’re feelin if you’re runnin and runnin and never stop? And it’s excitin and it’s adventurous. But—then it’s all just—gone. 'E’s gone. 'E’s not comin back for me. We missed our chance. But that doesn’t stop me 'earin it. Or thinkin I see 'im when I don’t.
Thing is, 'e’s still with me. 'I’s voice is in my ear. When I 'ear somethin I know 'e’d think was funny I see ' im laughin. And when mum’s twi'erin on sometimes I know exactly what 'e’d say. See 'im grinnin from ear to ear. It’s good. I like that I know 'im that well. But it 'urts too.
Like tonight it’s all I can do not to just—wander outside. Don’t even know where I’d go. But I want to climb out of my skin. It’s too bright 'ere and everthin’s just too close to everythin it’s not. It’s London, but it’s not. It’s 'ome, but it’s not.
The other night I dreamt 'im. I do that all the time now, don’t I? And I’m back on that distant shore, but it’s just me and 'im this time. And 'e’s come back for me. And it’s real. And 'e’s really 'ere.
'Ow many times 'ave I imagined it? Sometimes I run to 'im. And 'e catches me up like always. And sometimes I don’t quite believe it until 'e’s there beside me, 'oldin my 'and.
'Cept I want more than that now, don’t I? I want lips and 'ands. And I want smooth skin. I want to feel it. I want to feel 'im. I want 'im to make a sound only I 'ear and know it was me that did it. I want everythin. All of it. I want 'im to kiss me like 'e did that first time. I want 'im to kiss me the way 'e did 'er when 'e thought I couldn’t see.
That other girl. 'E wasn’t afraid with 'er. I never did know why. 'E’d only known 'er a few moments. 'Ours. And I thought, that’s it. It’s all over. I’m nuffin. And then I wonder— who’s 'e with now?
Sometimes I imagine what 'e was gonna say. When we got cut off. 'E always did 'ave bloody perfect timin. But that look in 'is eyes. I know 'e was gonna say it. But then I think—who wouldn’t say they love ya when the world’s endin? When ya’ve already confessed? When ya know ya never have to look back or go forward or ever face any consequence. And what if 'e meant 'e loved me. But only not love. Not that kind. Not the way I love 'im.
And so I don’t know. I can’t know. Not what 'e really felt. Or meant. I only know myself. 'Ow I feel. And I think—I’d do anythin. I’d rip the universe apart if it would mean just a few more 'ours. No, not even that. Five minutes. Just five minutes more.